plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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