We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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