just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
