Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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