How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
