My sheets look like a crime scene.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
