Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
