her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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