Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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