I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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