The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
