if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
