I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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