do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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