You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
