i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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