we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
