I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
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If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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