Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
