Can Purell be used as lube?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
