I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
