He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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