my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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