I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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