i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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