My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
