my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
