hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
