She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
