I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
