I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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