i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
