Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
