She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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