need another drink. this is the easiest way
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
