I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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