So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
