Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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