what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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