how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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