thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
