GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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