new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
