He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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