finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
