does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
