its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
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We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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