I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
