Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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