The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
