what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
