.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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