aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
