Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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