No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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