i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
