you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
