Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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