I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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