Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You smell like a Billy Joel song
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
