Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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