Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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