Soap is not a condiment
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
