On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Randomize
