dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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