Your mouth is God's brothel.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
