Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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